Today, I lay myself bare (the scariest part)

Whilst I have had much positive feedback regarding this blog, people have looked down upon me, saying "You are a baby, only 30, what would you know?". 

I have seen more in my 30 years than what most will see in their entire life.

My knowledge and wisdom gifted to me from my life experience should not, and will not be wasted, and as such, I will share it.

Now, I will lay myself bare, to give you an insight. (Deep breaths)

Phew, here I go:

Like you I was born pure into a life without purity. As a child I grew up witnessing destruction, things that no child should ever have to see. 

My father was a broken man, but deep inside his cracks I saw parts of him other than his illness. I saw his charm, his humour, his compassion, and love for his children and family. I saw his deep seeded wanting to free himself from his illness, to be better. Don’t get me wrong I despised what  his illness did to him, and those surrounding him, but I also saw his goodness, his kindness and his love.

Moving forward, my mum found enough inner strength to leave my father. Now a single parent doing it tough to support three children, she was the pillar of strength, and heart that saw us through the nastiest of times. Although I saw her at breaking point many times, she did it. She succeeded.

My father re-married. Inclusive of their meeting and marriage, he and his new wife knew each other for two months in total. With a strange inner “knowing” beyond my years, I cherished those times with my father. His illness and destruction aside, he was a barrel of fun, laughter, gags and cuddles. That was when he was well.

His life was lost at the hands of another. This act of violence would later transcend into a media frenzy. My life, my father's life, my mother's life, our lives, and his death displayed in the living rooms of all of Australia for months to come.

Throughout his widow's trial, it was my father who was actually on trial. It was a weak act given that he was not there to defend himself. Constituent to her lawyers defence, that his widow had "Battered wife's syndrome", my mother was forced, by law, to act as her witness. Whilst her alleged illness may have been the case; he, my father had a long standing illness, and should have had the opportunity to get better, to be better; an opportunity he was denied. Whilst his healing may not have happened, no one has the right to take that opportunity away from anybody.

Each and every life is precious!

No one has the right to take that away!

The trial established a legal precedent and the formidable reputation of his widows lawyer.

As a consequence of the trial and the national exposure, I found myself bullied at school. I had  nightmares. A rift between the two sides of the family developed lasting twenty years. (Understandably, it was a tough time for all concerned.)

I managed to block out all from my young past, buried deep within me. The brain is powerful like that. However, it is somewhat destructive because if you don’t allow that stuff to escape, it’ll force its way out eventually.

I plodded along happily through high school achieving mostly “A” grades, until I reached year 10 when a small incident saw a recurrence of the bullying. It was harsh. I can remember opening my locker one day and having an entire bin tipped over my head accompanied by laughter from onlookers, and my so called “friends” sheepishly walk away in fear that if they would be seen with me, that they may also become victims of the derision. Abandoned by my "friends", the remainder of the year I spent isolated, alone. They would be consumed into the hoards of followers stalking me. One day, with the “bully” leading the pack they echoed threats that they would “kick the shit out of me”.

I stood alone, at the mercy of the pack of sheep, a teacher came to my rescue and scurried the crowd along.

Another day, I sat in the front row, being assaulted with ever increasingly vicious verbal attacks , along with coke bottles and other rubbish thrown from their hands directly at my head. 

ENOUGH! 

In an explosion of rage, I stood tall. With the tiniest amount of strength within me I physically up ended my desk onto the floor. Amidst a shower of text books, pens and pencils, I stormed out of the class room, and marched out of that school, never to return. 

Not long after, through the midst of loneliness, and lack of control in my life, I saw myself develop an eating disorder. Yes, some negative words from others in regards to my physical appearance was the initial switch that turned it on, but, on a holistic level (the eating disorder) was a way of me controlling, The last thing in my life, that I could control - my food intake.

Like an addiction, it took hold of me, my being, my insight, my everything. With not only my body starved of nutrients, my brain was also, I became deeply sad.

Clutching the only two things I had, a bag of clothing, and my eating disorder, I left home at the age of 16, got a job and found a place to live.

As my illness progressed, it ultimately saw me lose my job, spending time on friend’s couches, I had nowhere else to go. I was homeless. I remember living in a band room in the back of a pub for a while.

I lied, I stole, and I was arrested. I was unwell and found myself back at home for a short period. My mother bribed me to attend an eating disorders clinic.

Eventually, I began to find myself, I got better (in a physical sense), the mind set of an eating disorder takes a little more time to recover from. A few years later I found myself fully recovered. 

 I soon started a career in nursing. Only months after finding myself at home, I moved out again and lived for a number of years on a training wage of $10 per hour.

During that time there were the usual personal “tragedies”, love and loss, death of relatives, a stalker (yes one of those), a first-hand account of the Bali bombings, acts of terrorism and other very personal, and dark situations within my life. 

Along with this, over the span of my entire life, like many others, I was confronted and temporarily lost through harsh and negative words by others: "You can’t do it", "you will never be loved", "you are at the bottom of the food chain", "you will never amount to anything, you are stupid. More words that found me off track for a while: "You need money and education for that", "you really need to settle down"," get a man", "have babies", "save for a house".

There was a small time in my life were I used alcohol to numb my mind from those words. I did not see that as an addiction at the time because I saw myself as having control. I did not have the need to drink at work or through the day, or if I had no money to buy alcohol I was not affected and did not have the need to scavenge around to find some.
It was like a crutch that held me up, that numbed my brain when my thoughts, or their thoughts were the most active within my mind in the quiet hours of the evening. It (the alcohol) helped  to switch my mind off and drift to sleep.

There were also many a time, where, like many others, I knocked myself down, and told myself" I couldn't", "I wasn't good enough". I asked myself, "Why me?"

Only recently, through a chain of events I came to a realisation. It was like a moment of enlightenment, all that information came to me in a second. I remember that time vividly.

• I was always on the right track. I needed to get lost to find me. I was in pursuit of finding myself all along.
• My negative thoughts, were not mine, or who I was, but negative words from others and past experiences absorbed within me. They were not me.
• The only path to true happiness is to not listen to others, but yourself. I am not a “conformer”. I am me, and aside from a few temporary de-railings as a result of life and society I was always in pursuit of ME!
• The tragedies marked throughout my life gifted me insight well beyond my years, and a strength that cannot be broken, along with a fire that will not be put out.
• Thanks to my past life, I feel like the luckiest girl alive!!
• The circumstances behind my fathers death was not his legacy, but we (his fabulous children) are that, because we are a piece of  his good qualities. Like his amazing family, that share them too, his "better" qualities are a piece of them. I met most of them all recently by the way, and as such, I know this for a fact! I love them all very much!
• If I have come through what I have,  standing now, unscathed and level headed, I can do and achieve anything! Every piece of me now is entirely reflective of my true being.
• My  current friends embrace all that I am.
• Some friends in my life who do not embrace themselves, who cannot see their potential; I can, I help them see, because this is the meaning of my true existence!
• My job allows me to share my compassion for others. 
• My project, Real Inspirations, highlights all people, like me, who have overcome, endured, achieved, to be better, to be their true selves! Those people, and their light, should always be celebrated and NOT knocked down! My book will celebrate them!
• This, my blog, allows me my voice, my knowledge, to help others to see that if I can, then they can too!

I will always shine my light so that people can see that.

Although I already feel like one, soon, without fear, I will

Stand As a Rock Star………..

(STAY TUNED)