The ill-fitting piece.

I glanced around to all others within my crowd. My piece to life’s puzzle never really fit. My fellow people appeared forlorn and melancholy. I paved my way through the masses and searched for other crowds. Each gave me the illusion of being different, they were much the same.

Baring disappointment I weaved out of that crowd again, only to find myself on a path of adventure, scaling that “mountain of self”. Along my merry and sometimes troublesome way, I was met with many pushes to “conform” by others within our society.

There were many a time that members of the “norm” found me back amongst them. Their words and nonacceptance was the force that brought me back. Perhaps I was on a journey down the wrong path? Eventually, I too felt forlorn. It was only a momentary lapse of judgement before I squirmed my way out again.

Upon observation whilst trying to fit, I had once again come to the realisation that many were not happy, I was not a piece of them, that puzzle. Society had them with “everything”, but inside they had “nothing”! No amount of “anything”, but themselves, would find them.

Given time I found free spirited warriors like me. Their point of difference was their unwillingness to lose themselves to society. For the first time in my life I did not feel like a lost piece, because whilst being lost, I was found. With much acceptance from those surrounding me, I find myself at home.

 I am no longer an ill-fitting piece to life’s puzzle.

 I am happy.

Healing.

I cannot remember how many times I have been required to heal my own self. All I can remember is that each time I have stepped out of that cloud, no matter how dark it was greater and stronger than ever before.

You may not have had that unavoidable cloud roll into your life, but everyone will from time to time. Do remember that it will drift away, to reveal a sparkling  blue sky brighter than ever.

First things first, come tragedy, or heartbreak I will march to the shops and purchase my poison of choice, a bottle of wine. Upon stepping in the door I will pump up the ladies that have seen me through time and time again. Wendy (Matthews), Tina (Arena), her greatest hits, Sarah (McLachlan), Aretha (Franklin), and so on. With my bottle by my side, and glass in hand I get a little tanked and whilst I sway (in the midst of drunkenness) I screech to the words and wail from the pit of my stomach.              note: neighbours may become somewhat frightened, call the police, run for their life etc.

This scenario often leads to dancing, and further wailing, swaying and screeching. It is at this stage the floor often gets a drink of my drop itself.
At times I will call a friend and through sobbing on their shoulder, I try to avoid the snot that coincides from messing up their sleeve. A true friend, although disgusted, never really minds.

I will find myself in bed the next day, feeling rotten, sad and sorry with the uncontrollable need to dash to the toilet to heave. With head in toilet bowl, as awful as the process is, I liken it to “releasing the demons”, because afterwards I feel just a tiny bit better. Post water and shower I step outside into the world with the dog and I walk. All of a sudden I am in the midst of life, and its beauty, I have to then concentrate on things other than myself: the traffic, crossing the road, which tree the dog is peeing on.  With the added endorphins, and fresh air I have started to feel a little bit better again. Then given time, and patience I can run, until I leap out of that cloud.

 One note of importance,  whether it be friends or family they should always hold you up. They should be ready to catch you when becoming unsteady. They should allow you a soft landing. They should pick you up and place you back on that pedestal where you belong. Like you, all are deserving of sitting atop of their pedestal.

 This, along with Wendy, Tina, Sarah and the divine Aretha, the wine, the walks, and dog always guide me through.

Within your times of unavoidable darkness I am not suggesting that you do what I do, but do follow your heart, do what you need , but do not do it in excess. Do it with dignity and do not purposely hurt another.

I have seen the worst, but I have come to learn that everything happens for a reason and your darkness may just be a force re-directing you towards a path of magnificence!

Have faith in yourself, it is within you!


*If your negative feelings/symptoms persist always consult a doctor.

Embracing my inner madness.

A poem my Uncle Graham wrote to me a few months ago.

Note: Written in the "Yorkshire", English language. Translation to follow.

"Thru that door madness lies..wi 'is droolin mouth an dancin eyes..is 'e appier then you an appier than me?..dont know..we'll after go thru..then, ar spose.. we'll see...at least dont lock it beyind yer..." -Graham Raby

English translation

"Through that door madness lies,
with his drooling mouth and dancing eyes.
Is he happier than you and happier than me?,
Don't know.. We'll have to go through then I suppose we'll see.
At least don't lock it behind you."


Just so you know with arms outstretched I am embracing my inner madness, and slamming that door behind me,
THAT, my dear uncle makes me happy!

To all others, embrace your inner madness. I dare you!

Real Inspirations- Their words, their voice. A small teaser

"You play the hand you have been dealt as one would in a card game" - Anthony Virgona

"No matter how many days we are gifted we need to encompass love, humour and self trust" - Vera Jan

"This ball of light glows, dancing around her body like a leaf caught in an autumn breeze or a bird smoothly gliding in the sky. The light shines and ultimately is not dissimilar to her personality. A free spirit trapped but possessing what she can and being happy". - Christina Rinaldi

"Making a difference in someone elses life can be contagious" - Danielle McAlpine Johnson.

"The quiet, unspoken achievers are often the most inspiring. Those that pursue their dreams, making a difference for themselves or others, without the need for accolades or reward; its the little heroes that inspire us. In spite of the impediments that life brings to everybody at some stage, they get up and just keep going until they arrive at their destination with pride." - Real Inspirations (Myself and Chris)

Lets not forget Sandra Parnis' voice.. Her voice on canvas, another inspiration. "Dare to Dream".

Just a little snippet to keep you posted and Intrigued! Stay tuned.

And so I "find" myself alone.

Throughout my times of "singledom" I have often been met with judgemental and narrow minded words by others. Why can't you settle down? You better hurry up and find someone, tick goes the clock! It really is ok if you are a lesbian (phew, shocked me too, "hello boys"). Do you want to be alone forever? Yvette, the Gypsy woman. As such I started to wonder whether perhaps I am hopeless, perhaps I am what they call a "commitment phobe"? Silly me for actually taking in their words.

Thank fully, I guess I always knew on a subconscious level that I needed to find myself first, to get to know myself. How can you possibly do this if you are forever by someones side or amongst a crowd of others? I could not truly..

During my "alone" time I have come to know myself, love myself, my "uniqueness" and inner beauty (quirks and all). It is so true, how can you possibly love another if you do not truly love yourself? Perhaps you can? I cannot!

I have also realised that I am not a "settler" and for good reason! How many couples do you know that have just settled, just because.. Perhaps they feel less deserving? Whatever their reason. Then comes family, financial and complications of other forms making means too difficult to move on. My new found happiness will never just settle! I have never just settled because I have not been comfortable enough to settle for whatever "non-superficial" reason.
That would have been a tragedy if I had just "settled" for an unhappy life.

Now that I've come to these conclusions, now that I have found myself, I will be ready to find him. My best (man) will come, but I am not searching.


*The above written is merely my words from my own experiences and no life decision should ever be made in haste. I am not suggesting that you change your life.

Real Inspirations.

 I have come to know many beautiful and inspiring souls along my way. They, like me, have much to teach and share. Their knowledge and experiences are too great to waste! It was because of this a friend and I have collected their stories to publish within my book in the making "Real Inspirations".

As a teaser from time to time I will "post" some snippets of their own words from their inspirational stories. I will start with a snippet from my own.

"Inner beauty is most important. Everybody is blessed with this devine gift"

I do hope that you stop to find yours.

My "non" bible to life

To you fellow wanderers treading your path,
with equal triumphs and disasters.. why you ask?
That each is an equal gift, if only you would see
to gain much strength.. So never ask "why me"?

If what almost kills you, makes you "stronger"
consider it a gift..
So ask yourself the question.. what if?
You were never given the above gift,
and afforded the opportunity to see,
That in this life we are merely mortals,
With little time to really "be"..
That that's the gift you were afforded to see...

The truth is life's too short to not follow your heart,
That every true answer is found on this path.
With each breath you take, you will have little more..
So, all I can ask is.. what are you waiting for?..

Your truth will come, so do not move in haste,
So observe, listen, each moment is not waste..

Because when you take those last few,
your failing body, your heart now stands still,
then all that remains is the saddest regret in your heart...
It's then too late to follow your true path..

Fear means nothing but your imaginary shackles,
that hold you back against your true "will".
That leads you to the real "disaster".. regret.
So if what I am saying, you just "get"....
Then, be that voice and shine your light,
Just in case someone might....

Hear you.

I am merely a medium, not a preacher..
A voice on earth, your teacher..
I cannot force my beliefs, If you choose not to hear..
Then go ahead, move on with your fear...

Goodluck to you...


-A poem by me.

My Journey

Upon Reflection of My Journey I have come to find that I have much to share.

I have overcome much hardship, with thrive and knockdowns I pushed forward to find myself on top of a mountain admiring my surrounds, my true being.

My Journey has found me enormous strength, inner love and appreciation for my own self.
That to me is real success, and without this success I do not believe one can be truly successful in all other aspects of life and love.

Now that I have conquered this mountain of "self", I have the ability to conquer all others, and so can you!

These are my words. I do hope that you find inspiration from them.

Goodluck and pleasant Journeys.