Real Beauty

Sitting on my bench with my hands clutching a pair of dumbbells I psych myself up to do another mean set. I scan the crowd of gym goers and my eyes are momentarily locked on a ruggedly sculptured man. My once captured eyes continue scanning to be confronted with a regular sight. The same crowd who congregate at the gym daily, and sometimes twice daily in pursuit of the body beautiful.

 I watch them step in front of the mirror as they examine their body centimetre by centimetre. I can see their brain obsessively ticking over. If I could delve inside their thoughts I would know that they were telling themselves “not good enough”, “not skinny enough”, and “not attractive enough”. I then see them enviously look at others. Unbeknownst to the others, their own competition with them begins.

Onto the treadmill they march where they torture themselves, painfully nearing collapse. Their own  gruelling punishment in pursuit of the body beautiful.

Some people associate physical beauty with confidence and as such will seek it out the only way they know how. A military style regimented “no pain, no gain" approach to diet and exercise. With no rest in their strive for confidence.

Every "body” is human, every “body” requires regular rest (inclusive of athletes), and every “body” requires balanced nourishment.

There is no exception.

Given my own past history I can easily observe these traits in people. Looking back into my distant past, that gloomy cloud had me blindly seeking out “confidence and control”. This obsessive approach to diet and exercise affords you neither. Rather than control it causes destruction. With a weary undernourished mind, it becomes delusional. Your delusion does not allow you to think straight, or focus in your activities of daily living. Your mind lacks insight into reality. Reality being that you cannot see your self-destruction. Your once healthy mind becomes sad. Your sadness further re-enforces those embedded personal insecurities. Your body becomes tired. Your body is a vehicle that drives you through life. Without sufficient fuel, and when it becomes over worked, it will break down.

Whilst you may’ve reached what your mindset sees as the “body beautiful”, to you, it will never be enough. Like banging your head against a wall you will keep going and, going. There will be no end. Without exception your insecurities will always be there. Obtaining the body beautiful will not buy you a ticket into confidence!

Real beauty comes from an acknowledgement of your inner beauty and an acceptance of your flaws. When you listen to loved ones as they attempt to re-inforce your positive traits:
Your talents, charisma, compassion and uniqueness. Although you may stop to listen, it’s when you hear these words, and realise that they are not just words but;

Truth.

-When you realise No"body" is perfect.

-When you allow balance into your life in a holistic manner.

-When you finally slow down to visit your inner self.

-When you re-introduce yourself to your long lost inner wonders.

Upon these discoveries is when you will shine and recognise your own unique

Real Beauty.

Today, I lay myself bare (the scariest part)

Whilst I have had much positive feedback regarding this blog, people have looked down upon me, saying "You are a baby, only 30, what would you know?". 

I have seen more in my 30 years than what most will see in their entire life.

My knowledge and wisdom gifted to me from my life experience should not, and will not be wasted, and as such, I will share it.

Now, I will lay myself bare, to give you an insight. (Deep breaths)

Phew, here I go:

Like you I was born pure into a life without purity. As a child I grew up witnessing destruction, things that no child should ever have to see. 

My father was a broken man, but deep inside his cracks I saw parts of him other than his illness. I saw his charm, his humour, his compassion, and love for his children and family. I saw his deep seeded wanting to free himself from his illness, to be better. Don’t get me wrong I despised what  his illness did to him, and those surrounding him, but I also saw his goodness, his kindness and his love.

Moving forward, my mum found enough inner strength to leave my father. Now a single parent doing it tough to support three children, she was the pillar of strength, and heart that saw us through the nastiest of times. Although I saw her at breaking point many times, she did it. She succeeded.

My father re-married. Inclusive of their meeting and marriage, he and his new wife knew each other for two months in total. With a strange inner “knowing” beyond my years, I cherished those times with my father. His illness and destruction aside, he was a barrel of fun, laughter, gags and cuddles. That was when he was well.

His life was lost at the hands of another. This act of violence would later transcend into a media frenzy. My life, my father's life, my mother's life, our lives, and his death displayed in the living rooms of all of Australia for months to come.

Throughout his widow's trial, it was my father who was actually on trial. It was a weak act given that he was not there to defend himself. Constituent to her lawyers defence, that his widow had "Battered wife's syndrome", my mother was forced, by law, to act as her witness. Whilst her alleged illness may have been the case; he, my father had a long standing illness, and should have had the opportunity to get better, to be better; an opportunity he was denied. Whilst his healing may not have happened, no one has the right to take that opportunity away from anybody.

Each and every life is precious!

No one has the right to take that away!

The trial established a legal precedent and the formidable reputation of his widows lawyer.

As a consequence of the trial and the national exposure, I found myself bullied at school. I had  nightmares. A rift between the two sides of the family developed lasting twenty years. (Understandably, it was a tough time for all concerned.)

I managed to block out all from my young past, buried deep within me. The brain is powerful like that. However, it is somewhat destructive because if you don’t allow that stuff to escape, it’ll force its way out eventually.

I plodded along happily through high school achieving mostly “A” grades, until I reached year 10 when a small incident saw a recurrence of the bullying. It was harsh. I can remember opening my locker one day and having an entire bin tipped over my head accompanied by laughter from onlookers, and my so called “friends” sheepishly walk away in fear that if they would be seen with me, that they may also become victims of the derision. Abandoned by my "friends", the remainder of the year I spent isolated, alone. They would be consumed into the hoards of followers stalking me. One day, with the “bully” leading the pack they echoed threats that they would “kick the shit out of me”.

I stood alone, at the mercy of the pack of sheep, a teacher came to my rescue and scurried the crowd along.

Another day, I sat in the front row, being assaulted with ever increasingly vicious verbal attacks , along with coke bottles and other rubbish thrown from their hands directly at my head. 

ENOUGH! 

In an explosion of rage, I stood tall. With the tiniest amount of strength within me I physically up ended my desk onto the floor. Amidst a shower of text books, pens and pencils, I stormed out of the class room, and marched out of that school, never to return. 

Not long after, through the midst of loneliness, and lack of control in my life, I saw myself develop an eating disorder. Yes, some negative words from others in regards to my physical appearance was the initial switch that turned it on, but, on a holistic level (the eating disorder) was a way of me controlling, The last thing in my life, that I could control - my food intake.

Like an addiction, it took hold of me, my being, my insight, my everything. With not only my body starved of nutrients, my brain was also, I became deeply sad.

Clutching the only two things I had, a bag of clothing, and my eating disorder, I left home at the age of 16, got a job and found a place to live.

As my illness progressed, it ultimately saw me lose my job, spending time on friend’s couches, I had nowhere else to go. I was homeless. I remember living in a band room in the back of a pub for a while.

I lied, I stole, and I was arrested. I was unwell and found myself back at home for a short period. My mother bribed me to attend an eating disorders clinic.

Eventually, I began to find myself, I got better (in a physical sense), the mind set of an eating disorder takes a little more time to recover from. A few years later I found myself fully recovered. 

 I soon started a career in nursing. Only months after finding myself at home, I moved out again and lived for a number of years on a training wage of $10 per hour.

During that time there were the usual personal “tragedies”, love and loss, death of relatives, a stalker (yes one of those), a first-hand account of the Bali bombings, acts of terrorism and other very personal, and dark situations within my life. 

Along with this, over the span of my entire life, like many others, I was confronted and temporarily lost through harsh and negative words by others: "You can’t do it", "you will never be loved", "you are at the bottom of the food chain", "you will never amount to anything, you are stupid. More words that found me off track for a while: "You need money and education for that", "you really need to settle down"," get a man", "have babies", "save for a house".

There was a small time in my life were I used alcohol to numb my mind from those words. I did not see that as an addiction at the time because I saw myself as having control. I did not have the need to drink at work or through the day, or if I had no money to buy alcohol I was not affected and did not have the need to scavenge around to find some.
It was like a crutch that held me up, that numbed my brain when my thoughts, or their thoughts were the most active within my mind in the quiet hours of the evening. It (the alcohol) helped  to switch my mind off and drift to sleep.

There were also many a time, where, like many others, I knocked myself down, and told myself" I couldn't", "I wasn't good enough". I asked myself, "Why me?"

Only recently, through a chain of events I came to a realisation. It was like a moment of enlightenment, all that information came to me in a second. I remember that time vividly.

• I was always on the right track. I needed to get lost to find me. I was in pursuit of finding myself all along.
• My negative thoughts, were not mine, or who I was, but negative words from others and past experiences absorbed within me. They were not me.
• The only path to true happiness is to not listen to others, but yourself. I am not a “conformer”. I am me, and aside from a few temporary de-railings as a result of life and society I was always in pursuit of ME!
• The tragedies marked throughout my life gifted me insight well beyond my years, and a strength that cannot be broken, along with a fire that will not be put out.
• Thanks to my past life, I feel like the luckiest girl alive!!
• The circumstances behind my fathers death was not his legacy, but we (his fabulous children) are that, because we are a piece of  his good qualities. Like his amazing family, that share them too, his "better" qualities are a piece of them. I met most of them all recently by the way, and as such, I know this for a fact! I love them all very much!
• If I have come through what I have,  standing now, unscathed and level headed, I can do and achieve anything! Every piece of me now is entirely reflective of my true being.
• My  current friends embrace all that I am.
• Some friends in my life who do not embrace themselves, who cannot see their potential; I can, I help them see, because this is the meaning of my true existence!
• My job allows me to share my compassion for others. 
• My project, Real Inspirations, highlights all people, like me, who have overcome, endured, achieved, to be better, to be their true selves! Those people, and their light, should always be celebrated and NOT knocked down! My book will celebrate them!
• This, my blog, allows me my voice, my knowledge, to help others to see that if I can, then they can too!

I will always shine my light so that people can see that.

Although I already feel like one, soon, without fear, I will

Stand As a Rock Star………..

(STAY TUNED)

Under Pressure.

I’ve seen myself get lost within the funnel of a tornado. Its ill-informed views pounded into me by society and those close. In my whirlwind this information twists around my thoughts. I try to batten down the hatches but the tornado's force becomes too powerful.

 This  whirlwind of external information overpowers my own thoughts. These imposters dwell within my mind, until the pressure crushes my inner self.

I confuse their information with my own thoughts resulting in me ploughing forward in denial.

I conformed, they were happy, but I was not.

With thanks to their pressure!

I liken their pressure to a Tornado because this ultimately becomes destructive to your life and who YOU really are.

You subconsciously seek out to destroy your life because it is not your own. You numb or distract yourself whatever way you know how further blocking out your OWN thoughts.

Why lie to yourself and others?

There came a time when I had to stop lying to me. I had to be bold. There was only one thing that I could do.

Get Naked!

I lay myself bare and slowly remove one piece at a time.

Yes, like strip poker, but, minus the poker and the removal of clothing attire.

Bit by bit and piece by piece I removed those imposters, all superficial stuff, and people that once pressured me.

I stood bare to lose everything, but, whilst bare I stood in celebration of my own glory. At first I was cold and alone. I moved forward and embraced my own self for warmth.

That didn’t matter because that pressure could’ve seen me lose

ME!

The most devastating loss of all!

http://youtu.be/BWdLt3Afjrg


*This post contains extracts from my life that I choose to share. I am not suggesting that you change your life. If you choose to do as such then those that are a immediately a part of you (a good example would be children ) should always be considered with much thought, and compassion in an equal manner to yourself.

I will survive.

About a year ago I was walking down to my favourite haunt with my dearest friend. An elderly woman approached us and hands out a pamphlet from which she quoted.
“Without God, you will not survive”.

Generally speaking my brain pauses and ticks over in anticipation for an appropriately witted response, but today, genius rolls out of my mouth.

I handed the pamphlet back and announced, “I will survive. As long as I know how to love, I know I will be alive”.

My friend who is rarely rude mannered, walked away in fits of laughter, whilst I stood quite shocked and chuffed with my unusually quick witted response.

In most circumstances I would never knock down someone’s religious views, but, my words that day spoke true to me.

Here are my views that I will share without prejudice for you.

I believe that most religious groups often teach you to have faith in their god, but what they do not teach you is sufficient tools to have faith in yourself. Whilst your religious group may help to a degree YOU are the only person that ultimately aids in your own survival.

YOU are at the forefront of your life’s battles and adventures.

YOU, will always be there,

For you.

And that’s a certainty!

It took time but with work I found that I am my own chapel, because my own faith is within ME!
Personally, I cannot have faith in something that I have not physically seen, however, what I have seen is;
My own drive, endurance, strength, talents, passion and love for myself and others.
I will always have faith in that
Because I have always seen me through!
I will survive,

As long as I know how to love (me),

I know I will be ALIVE!

http://youtu.be/Tth-8wA3PdY



*This post contains my views. This post does not mean that I disrespect yours.

The Dark Horse.

And they’re racing.

She bounds out of that starting gate, with hurdles and obstacles afoot. Galloping forward with perseverance as she heads down her track. The dark horse leaps with great power over her first hurdle but instead collides with it and tumbles.

With race goers unwilling to pick the dark horse up, they instead stride forward in their own race without looking back.

They have only “the win” in sight.

She picks herself up, and bolts forward, she is last in her pack with all odds placed against her. Bets and wealth are thrown towards the most likely, well bred, and trained of horses.

Her odds are slim.

A deep trench is near, but with one knock she dives within its pit. With blood, sweat and tears she scrambles out. LAST! Without any other horse in sight.

She almost gives up, until, 

a miracle.

Her spirit jumps up from her chair in the grandstand and with pride marchers to the barrier fence. Her spirit cheers,

“YES YOU CAN”!

Her spirits voice echoes and has the crowd captivated. They cheer alongside her spirit, the dark horse becomes captivated too. She sprints, and leaps high over all obstacles that are presented before her. She gallops forward and towards her competitors.

All bets are off now.

Dashing past and ahead, only the dust that rises from her force leaves a memory of her once left behind. Her dust blinds her fellow competitors and instead sees them tumble, but she takes note to see them through.

She is in the lead, with the finish line in sight.

Her crowd becomes inspired.

“YES YOU CAN”

Although, she has not quite won yet her spirit and the crowd continue to cheer her on.

She is already a winner.

The dark horse always WINS!

Another Real Inspirations Highlight

At Real Inspirations we continue to grow beyond our imaginations and wildest dreams, and we're not quite finished yet.

Please click on the link below and read our latest article in Australia and NZ wide magazine NCAH.
American Publishing Company "Informed" also tweeted this article too. Woooo!
http://www.ncah.com.au/news-events/nurses-inspire-with-real-inspirations/1163/


Do you have any relevant stories to share? Email Yvette- realinspirations@rocketmail.com

Cold Steel Bubble

I once stood within a bubble. It was freezing, and solid like steel.

That bubble had me secluded, trapped. Like a Lion imprisoned within its enclosure I circled that cold steel bubble contemplating an escape.

Was I worthy and strong enough to get out?

There came a time where I had to because no one could enter in to see the true me, I couldn’t see me. Still with lack of sight, I yearned for that.

My bubble was made up of negativities that my life had fed me, cursing me with a fear to break out.

I was over full, and instead gained an insatiable appetite for something much more substantial, something that everybody is worthy of-

Total Greatness!

And I was hungry!

With an awesome roar that lion within me began to chip away at that cold steel bubble. As fragments shot back at me I bled, but with might and the song “I am every woman” rocking on in my head, I perservered. There was no-one more worthy of an escape than I was.

From time to time I tired, and as the bubble broke down, life and its people were able to peek through and as such tried to hold me hostage within its cell. As those fragments hit me once more, I still bled but much less this time. With only a brief stand still to cleanse the wounds I kept chipping away in the pursuit of ME.

When least expected there came a time when I saw the light, it shone for me. Instantly there was an unravelling of all potentials and possibilities that I was worthy of.  

The cold steel fragments now lay at my feet.

I stepped over them.

I realized a new me.

The real me!

I now acknowledge that life will still get tough, and parts of those fragments may present themselves again. However, I now have that solid foundation that is much stronger than cold steel and as a result I can now get through anything.

A wise man, “George Michael” once said “You’ve got to have faith, baby”, and I have that in bucket loads.

Faith is my foundation, and like “Every woman”, It’s all in me.


http://youtu.be/Q8xuUdI1an0

Dear physical self.

You are only human, without perfection,
In the mirror stands my reflection.

With a zit so large it resembles a mountain,

It will go within time, concealer or foundation.

Brown eyes like a puppy dog, they glisten between their lashes,
Dimples on my cheeks when my smile flashes

(Across my face.)

When speaking I have a lisp, how could I ask for anymore,
Adds a little character like the star Drew Barrymoore.

My biceps, they bulge, and that’s ok,
With one flex, they’ll scare mean people away.

Although my little breasts won’t be protective airbags to a fall,
They will never sag down to me knees at all.

My legs are stunted, but they have tone, they are mine,
Short legs help to weave unseen through a busy line

(at a bar, packed toilet block etc. Now that’s a positive.)

With age  bums can enlarge, I hope my pert stays,

(please god, please god, please god)
Regardless it has been behind me every step of the way!

(And for that I am grateful)

Many apologies for put downs of past gone,
That moment of acceptance, you have waited too long.

I am sorry.

In the mirror stands my reflection,
A beautiful woman, without perfection,

Just like every other…

There is no exception!

Wealth and Power.

Some people collect superficial objects, gain an abundance of structures andmachines.

They take pride in their fortresses and fancy belongings,this to them means status. They see themselves as beholders of wealth. Wealth to them equates topower.

This is just stuff, an illusion, a wall that they build forthemselves to make them appear powerful.
Their wall, a charade, to hide their own weaknesses.

If their wall was knocked down, stolen or broken, whatwould they have? Nothing but themselves to rely upon with no real show ofriches.

My home is small, butcomfortable, my belongings are understated. My dog was once an orphan. He is of mixed breed but he is not for show- just love.

I do not have a wall to hide behind, because I have built my ownwealth.

My wealth comes from my person, my person is brave. My bravadocomes from my strength gained through my battles fought. My battles have gifted me muchpassion as a person. My person has much love and respect for myself and others.Those others have my back. Power comes from numbers, the crowd of numbers. Not thosewith dollar signs attached.

Power comes when you are fearless! I have no fear but a firethat will not be distinguished!
With much pride and belief within myself I can stand talland achieve anything!

No one can steal, break or knock that down, because I am nota wall.

I am me.

That is power!

I am wealthy beyond imagination.

Inferior me?

 Feelings of inferiority are incredibly common, you are not alone. Do know that it's merely an illusion of the mind. It means nothing, because unlike you, it is imagery.

A human brain replicates a sponge and overtime absorbs all that it hears and sees. Those negativities become imbedded; infused within your thought processes, your belief system, and soul.  This is not you, but learnt.

 The school of life is far greater in education than any university, however, you may choose your subject material, and as such your knowledge gained. What you come to believe is what you will seek to achieve, and attract. 

Always! 

Your thoughts about yourself can be reversed. So believe it!

No one is superior in wealth or value, higher in rank or social status, excellence, or beauty. You are not inferior. If another is making you feel this way, ask yourself why? It must be lonely where they are. Their loneliness is an invalid excuse for forcing you down to where they reside. Do not stoop to them because they are sad, yet blind to the fact. Walk away.

Everyone bares their own buried gold, so dig deep to find your abundance of treasures.
With this comes power. Grab it, and run. 

Then you will fly.

Inferior means Nothing.

About babies. (food for thought)

I love both of my parents very much, this includes my late father, they were not perfect.
From them I was gifted an eclectic mix of traits that makes me, me. I was once labelled eccentric, and I think I like that. I inherited that from them, my life, and I am grateful.

I came into my parents life without choice, each of my parents with their own demons, and in a destructive relationship not suitable for children. Although their choice of having me made my life far more difficult than what it should've been, it gave me strength, and a much greater insight to life. As a result I now know what I would like for myself, and my family should I choose to have one. I have learnt much from them.

I hear people talk about wanting to be financially secure, owning their own home etc prior to having children. I have never heard anyone talk about wanting to be personally secure, within themselves, their relationship. Ever!

Growing up, we as a family, did not have secure finances, my parents were not personally secure, far from it actually. Out of each, financial vs personal security, I can tell you what negatively impacts on a child more so, and it is not your level of socio-economic means.

Think about it.

A parents personal security can make or break a growing person, I was one of the lucky few, it made me, but it took alot of work to get this far. Money (or lack of) may leave you broke, but it will not break your spirit in the long term.

So, if you are feeling the pressure by others, or within your relationship to have children, do take note of the above.

Not only is it your life, but theirs too!

I do not feel any regretful hatred towards my parent/s, far from it, because they were only human, and learning too. With love for both of my parents, I have learnt much from them.

 It is never too late, no matter what your circumstances to be the best person you can be. Those around you, whether it be your existing children or otherwise, may learn from your example.

In the meantime, stop asking me to have babies, because
a) you need a donor for that.
b) I am mother of dog, I love him very much.
c) I am working on me, to be the best I can be,
d) I will gain that personal security FIRST!

Close encounters of the fuckwit kind.

* This post contains what some may find explicit language. Do discontinue reading if you feel that you may be offended, or if you are not 18+ years of age. If you are in my life right now, then this post is not about you. This post also applies to men, do exchange the "he/she" etc where required.

Feeling vulnerable and alone, through the midst of the gloomy fog strides a man, a gentleman, or so it seems. His exterior oozes charm, and captivating wit, his body bares the most fantastic of spoons to sink into.

All of a sudden I am elevated from the fog into the clouds, the cloud of 9. I am ecstatic, and proudly rocking out my shiniest pair of rose coloured glasses.

As the fog settles, a godly type voice bellows in my ear “He is in fact a FUCKWIT”, my mind disregards godly bellows and carries on with said gentleman. His charming exterior, like the fog, fades to highlight an arsehole inner self. Promptly, I push away and run at full throttle. Feeling my push and the thrill of his chase enhances his extreme charms.  In my vulnerability his force pulls me back. He has me captivated for a moment, until he falls to his face once more. Although it was his fall, I feel humiliated. I continue to run, as I should.

 So it appears, my godly voice is always right. He was in fact a fuckwit! I violently rip off my rose coloured glasses and I stomp the crap out of them. I can see clearly now.

Moral to this story:

“Once a fuckwit, is always a fuckwit”... in most cases. If your inner “godly” voice is telling you as such, then it is always right! You are not deserving of a fuckwit, unless you are one. You shall receive what you expect, life is magic like that! But, it’s your life.

Do as I do, and “Say no to fuckwits!”

The ill-fitting piece.

I glanced around to all others within my crowd. My piece to life’s puzzle never really fit. My fellow people appeared forlorn and melancholy. I paved my way through the masses and searched for other crowds. Each gave me the illusion of being different, they were much the same.

Baring disappointment I weaved out of that crowd again, only to find myself on a path of adventure, scaling that “mountain of self”. Along my merry and sometimes troublesome way, I was met with many pushes to “conform” by others within our society.

There were many a time that members of the “norm” found me back amongst them. Their words and nonacceptance was the force that brought me back. Perhaps I was on a journey down the wrong path? Eventually, I too felt forlorn. It was only a momentary lapse of judgement before I squirmed my way out again.

Upon observation whilst trying to fit, I had once again come to the realisation that many were not happy, I was not a piece of them, that puzzle. Society had them with “everything”, but inside they had “nothing”! No amount of “anything”, but themselves, would find them.

Given time I found free spirited warriors like me. Their point of difference was their unwillingness to lose themselves to society. For the first time in my life I did not feel like a lost piece, because whilst being lost, I was found. With much acceptance from those surrounding me, I find myself at home.

 I am no longer an ill-fitting piece to life’s puzzle.

 I am happy.

Healing.

I cannot remember how many times I have been required to heal my own self. All I can remember is that each time I have stepped out of that cloud, no matter how dark it was greater and stronger than ever before.

You may not have had that unavoidable cloud roll into your life, but everyone will from time to time. Do remember that it will drift away, to reveal a sparkling  blue sky brighter than ever.

First things first, come tragedy, or heartbreak I will march to the shops and purchase my poison of choice, a bottle of wine. Upon stepping in the door I will pump up the ladies that have seen me through time and time again. Wendy (Matthews), Tina (Arena), her greatest hits, Sarah (McLachlan), Aretha (Franklin), and so on. With my bottle by my side, and glass in hand I get a little tanked and whilst I sway (in the midst of drunkenness) I screech to the words and wail from the pit of my stomach.              note: neighbours may become somewhat frightened, call the police, run for their life etc.

This scenario often leads to dancing, and further wailing, swaying and screeching. It is at this stage the floor often gets a drink of my drop itself.
At times I will call a friend and through sobbing on their shoulder, I try to avoid the snot that coincides from messing up their sleeve. A true friend, although disgusted, never really minds.

I will find myself in bed the next day, feeling rotten, sad and sorry with the uncontrollable need to dash to the toilet to heave. With head in toilet bowl, as awful as the process is, I liken it to “releasing the demons”, because afterwards I feel just a tiny bit better. Post water and shower I step outside into the world with the dog and I walk. All of a sudden I am in the midst of life, and its beauty, I have to then concentrate on things other than myself: the traffic, crossing the road, which tree the dog is peeing on.  With the added endorphins, and fresh air I have started to feel a little bit better again. Then given time, and patience I can run, until I leap out of that cloud.

 One note of importance,  whether it be friends or family they should always hold you up. They should be ready to catch you when becoming unsteady. They should allow you a soft landing. They should pick you up and place you back on that pedestal where you belong. Like you, all are deserving of sitting atop of their pedestal.

 This, along with Wendy, Tina, Sarah and the divine Aretha, the wine, the walks, and dog always guide me through.

Within your times of unavoidable darkness I am not suggesting that you do what I do, but do follow your heart, do what you need , but do not do it in excess. Do it with dignity and do not purposely hurt another.

I have seen the worst, but I have come to learn that everything happens for a reason and your darkness may just be a force re-directing you towards a path of magnificence!

Have faith in yourself, it is within you!


*If your negative feelings/symptoms persist always consult a doctor.

Embracing my inner madness.

A poem my Uncle Graham wrote to me a few months ago.

Note: Written in the "Yorkshire", English language. Translation to follow.

"Thru that door madness lies..wi 'is droolin mouth an dancin eyes..is 'e appier then you an appier than me?..dont know..we'll after go thru..then, ar spose.. we'll see...at least dont lock it beyind yer..." -Graham Raby

English translation

"Through that door madness lies,
with his drooling mouth and dancing eyes.
Is he happier than you and happier than me?,
Don't know.. We'll have to go through then I suppose we'll see.
At least don't lock it behind you."


Just so you know with arms outstretched I am embracing my inner madness, and slamming that door behind me,
THAT, my dear uncle makes me happy!

To all others, embrace your inner madness. I dare you!

Real Inspirations- Their words, their voice. A small teaser

"You play the hand you have been dealt as one would in a card game" - Anthony Virgona

"No matter how many days we are gifted we need to encompass love, humour and self trust" - Vera Jan

"This ball of light glows, dancing around her body like a leaf caught in an autumn breeze or a bird smoothly gliding in the sky. The light shines and ultimately is not dissimilar to her personality. A free spirit trapped but possessing what she can and being happy". - Christina Rinaldi

"Making a difference in someone elses life can be contagious" - Danielle McAlpine Johnson.

"The quiet, unspoken achievers are often the most inspiring. Those that pursue their dreams, making a difference for themselves or others, without the need for accolades or reward; its the little heroes that inspire us. In spite of the impediments that life brings to everybody at some stage, they get up and just keep going until they arrive at their destination with pride." - Real Inspirations (Myself and Chris)

Lets not forget Sandra Parnis' voice.. Her voice on canvas, another inspiration. "Dare to Dream".

Just a little snippet to keep you posted and Intrigued! Stay tuned.

And so I "find" myself alone.

Throughout my times of "singledom" I have often been met with judgemental and narrow minded words by others. Why can't you settle down? You better hurry up and find someone, tick goes the clock! It really is ok if you are a lesbian (phew, shocked me too, "hello boys"). Do you want to be alone forever? Yvette, the Gypsy woman. As such I started to wonder whether perhaps I am hopeless, perhaps I am what they call a "commitment phobe"? Silly me for actually taking in their words.

Thank fully, I guess I always knew on a subconscious level that I needed to find myself first, to get to know myself. How can you possibly do this if you are forever by someones side or amongst a crowd of others? I could not truly..

During my "alone" time I have come to know myself, love myself, my "uniqueness" and inner beauty (quirks and all). It is so true, how can you possibly love another if you do not truly love yourself? Perhaps you can? I cannot!

I have also realised that I am not a "settler" and for good reason! How many couples do you know that have just settled, just because.. Perhaps they feel less deserving? Whatever their reason. Then comes family, financial and complications of other forms making means too difficult to move on. My new found happiness will never just settle! I have never just settled because I have not been comfortable enough to settle for whatever "non-superficial" reason.
That would have been a tragedy if I had just "settled" for an unhappy life.

Now that I've come to these conclusions, now that I have found myself, I will be ready to find him. My best (man) will come, but I am not searching.


*The above written is merely my words from my own experiences and no life decision should ever be made in haste. I am not suggesting that you change your life.

Real Inspirations.

 I have come to know many beautiful and inspiring souls along my way. They, like me, have much to teach and share. Their knowledge and experiences are too great to waste! It was because of this a friend and I have collected their stories to publish within my book in the making "Real Inspirations".

As a teaser from time to time I will "post" some snippets of their own words from their inspirational stories. I will start with a snippet from my own.

"Inner beauty is most important. Everybody is blessed with this devine gift"

I do hope that you stop to find yours.

My "non" bible to life

To you fellow wanderers treading your path,
with equal triumphs and disasters.. why you ask?
That each is an equal gift, if only you would see
to gain much strength.. So never ask "why me"?

If what almost kills you, makes you "stronger"
consider it a gift..
So ask yourself the question.. what if?
You were never given the above gift,
and afforded the opportunity to see,
That in this life we are merely mortals,
With little time to really "be"..
That that's the gift you were afforded to see...

The truth is life's too short to not follow your heart,
That every true answer is found on this path.
With each breath you take, you will have little more..
So, all I can ask is.. what are you waiting for?..

Your truth will come, so do not move in haste,
So observe, listen, each moment is not waste..

Because when you take those last few,
your failing body, your heart now stands still,
then all that remains is the saddest regret in your heart...
It's then too late to follow your true path..

Fear means nothing but your imaginary shackles,
that hold you back against your true "will".
That leads you to the real "disaster".. regret.
So if what I am saying, you just "get"....
Then, be that voice and shine your light,
Just in case someone might....

Hear you.

I am merely a medium, not a preacher..
A voice on earth, your teacher..
I cannot force my beliefs, If you choose not to hear..
Then go ahead, move on with your fear...

Goodluck to you...


-A poem by me.

My Journey

Upon Reflection of My Journey I have come to find that I have much to share.

I have overcome much hardship, with thrive and knockdowns I pushed forward to find myself on top of a mountain admiring my surrounds, my true being.

My Journey has found me enormous strength, inner love and appreciation for my own self.
That to me is real success, and without this success I do not believe one can be truly successful in all other aspects of life and love.

Now that I have conquered this mountain of "self", I have the ability to conquer all others, and so can you!

These are my words. I do hope that you find inspiration from them.

Goodluck and pleasant Journeys.